


Heroic America's Legendary Quest for the Perfect Food!

by Prussian Joltik (Twilight_Joltik)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Pairings are kind of minor, Parody of a lot of Hetalia fanfiction tropes, Pretty much just everyone is a Shipper on Deck, Sort of a Crack Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5642164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twilight_Joltik/pseuds/Prussian%20Joltik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Upon realizing that his culture's two most glorious and sacred foods, hamburgers and pizza, were originally made by Germany and Italy, respectively, America starts to wonder what amazing food would result if the two got married. And so starts his quest to create a perfect food, in which he enlists the help of a very enthusiastic Prussia, a quietly eye-rolling Japan, and several unwitting pawns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ideas are dangerous things to have!

**Author's Note:**

> So, in History class a while back, the teacher talked about how America's foods were all stolen from other countries, citing Germany's hamburgers and Italy's pizza as specific examples. This gave me an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea! And so, I present this story, born from that wonderful, awful idea, and 100% not to be taken seriously. So, I thank you for reading, I own absolutely nothing but my wonderful, awful idea, I preemptively apologize for some of the jokes, and please enjoy~!

_Heroic America's Legendary Quest for the Perfect Food!_

_Chapter One- Ideas are dangerous things to have!_

As most stories did, this one started with lunch. Specifically, the light lunch of three McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers, a large fries, a Diet Coke, and a milkshake that America brought into a world meeting one day. He ate them as he did everything else: loudly.

While America ate, Germany attempted to talk about… well, something. It was very boring and technical, and frankly about half of everyone there was only pretending to listen. Like Canada. Who no one even realized was present, as usual. The other half were actively not listening and making no attempts to pretend that they were doing so. Such as Italy, who probably would have been asleep had Germany not kept telling him in particular to stop dozing off.

Naturally, Germany was rather fed up with all of this, so he enacted his Standard Meeting Procedure: pretty much blowing up in everyone's faces. "We are talking about actual issues, and none of you are taking this seriously!", he screamed. Okay, he screamed a lot more than that, but it's probably best to spare any readers of the full version, which singled out pretty much every last person that was doing something other than paying perfect attention. Also known as everyone in the room.

This went on for quite some time: going from actual problems ("Estonia, I know you are blogging, but it would be very nice if you would look up from your computer for five minutes and pay attention!") to minor nitpicks ("And England, please stop casting hexes on Spain- and no, I do not care if he cheated against you in Battleship!"). No one really cared, though, and kept on with their naps or texting or plots for world domination. America, in fact, didn't even realize Germany had started talking about anything different until he heard him add "America!"

"Yeah, man?", the country automatically responded, mouth still half full.

"Please stop eating your culture's mockeries of my food so loudly during important meetings," Germany requested. For precisely the one hundred and eighty second time since they had started having these sorts of meetings.

America raised an eyebrow and swallowed quickly. "Uh, hello, this is my food!", he corrected, pointing to his half-eaten hamburger. "I mean, other than like, hot dogs, pizza, and apple pie, how much more American can you get?"

"Hot dogs were my creation as well," Germany said, slightly surprised that his words had actually been noted by America that time. "And none of those other things you mentioned are of your making either."

Loud laughter came from America. "Ha, yeah right! Sure, you've got your whole sausage thing, but what, are you going to tell me France invented french fries?"

"Actually, those are mine," Belgium flatly noted. "And my big brother invented 'your' appl-"

"Ooh, and pizza is mine!", Italy proudly interrupted, all his sleepiness driven away by the talk of food. "So are meatballs, but you sort of invented putting real big ones in spaghetti, so I'll give you that."

Germany nodded. "Yes, very well, Italy. Now, America, can you perhaps stop taking credit for other people's ideas?"

No response. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, America was completely quiet. Though Germany would have liked very much to think that his excellent counter-arguments had forced the country into contemplative silence, this was not the case in the slightest. Actually, had he known what was going on beneath the glass of Texas, he would have probably spent the rest of the meeting telling America how terrible his ideas were.

Unfortunately, Germany was not a mind reader, and therefore was not privy to the horrors of America's so-called "excellent ideas".

To give readers an idea of what was going on inside America's head, one must see his exact line of thinking, because America's conclusions are rarely ones of perfect logic:

Essentially, he first registered that basically all the foods that mattered (excluding whatever Belgium had said, as he kind of just figured most things she said involved her "superior" waffles and therefore didn't listen because he liked Eggo just fine, thank you,) had been invented by Germany and Italy.

He then remembered that those two were basically besties. And then, he wondered vaguely if those two ever cooked together, because if they did, it'd be like, totes awesome.

While he was thinking all of this, he saw Hungary showing Austria something under the table, and was like "Hey, those two used to be married or something, right?", but not out loud. That would be weird had he said it out loud, and probably for the best because it might have tipped everyone off as to what he was about to come up with.

And then, while still thinking of food and Germany and Italy, everything sort of clicked. People that were married cooked together and made food, so presumably, countries that were married would like, cook their country's foods together, right? So, if Germany and Italy got married, and they were responsible for all of the most amazing foods, then what sort of holy-freaking-awesome food would result from that union?

His mouth watered at the thought. Hamburgers and pizza and hamburger pizzas, that would be like, the best thing ever.

He had to make this happen. Such perfect food deserved to exist within the world, and he alone could make it so! As the hero, it was his responsibility to the world to grant it such awesome food!

And so he formulated a plan to make his dream a reality, all while Germany continued on berating others for never actually doing any productive nation things at nation meetings meant for productivity.


	2. The union of Team Hamburger Pizza!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> America gathers some allies. Meanwhile, Hungary sees something interesting on a Pokemon forum.

_Heroic America's Legendary Quest for the Perfect Food!_

_Chapter Two- The union of Team Hamburger Pizza!_

After the meeting had ended and everyone present had enacted their traditional post-meeting ritual known only as "Let's get the *insert appropriate profanity in the language the country in question prefers* out of here and get food that does not suck", America decided to enact Phase One of The Plan.

Yes, his plan had Phases. Capitalized ones. Wasn't that like, totally awesome and professional? He bet not even England had plans with Phases. And even if he did, he probably called them something lame and lowercase like "steps" or "points". And Phase One just so happened to be "talk to Japan and get him on board with The Plan". (He'd decided to capitalize The Plan as well, just to make it more official looking.)

Finding Japan, as always, was fairly easy: just find the place where the most countries had gone and go as far from that as possible while still being within walking distance of Turtle Bay. An awful lot of them, being led by a rather annoyed China had gone to a nearby restaurant to settle a dispute between Thailand and some of the Nordics that he really didn't understand but was pretty sure involved mango sticky rice and/or IKEA. Normally, he would have totally been all for that, but he had a Plan to enact.

Basically, he just walked in the opposite direction of the China-led mob until he ran into a very uncrowded looking internet cafe. Given there were like, two people in there and he could see from the window that one of them had an Attack on Titan sticker on their laptop, he was pretty sure he'd found the right place. So, as inconspicuously as he could (which was slamming the door of the place open and announcing "Everyone, the hero has arrived!" loudly for all to hear), he entered and slid into the seat next to Japan.

Japan looked at him suspiciously for a brief moment before looking right back at the message board he had open on his computer. "What is it you want?", he asked.

America frowned. He'd had a big long build-up to the topic planned out, but he'd totally lost it somewhere on the way over. "Uh, okay, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase here: I need your help fixing those two weird friends of yours up."

"Germany and Italy, you mean?", Japan questioned, and an odd smile came to his face as America gave a nod of confirmation. "You want them to get together? Why, are you also sick of them acting like lovers but denying every instance of blatant yaoi-ness?"

A few confused blinks came from America. "Uh, dunno what you said, but I just want them to get married so their hamburgers and pizza can do a fusion dance and create the perfect food."

"Wait, so you want my brother to marry Italy just so you can get food?", a voice loudly questioned. Both America and Japan turned around to see a rather tired looking Prussia hovering over their shoulders. A second after the initial shock of his apparent death glare wore off, the awesome ex-country started laughing his head off. Well, if you call a repeated "Kesesesese!" punctuated by the occasional tweet of the yellow bird on his head laughter. Which they did.

"Yes! Mein Gott, yes!", Prussia exclaimed all too loudly. "I've been wanting that cute little Italy in the family for ages! I couldn't care less about your food thing, but the awesome me is so in for this plan!"

"Aw, sweet!", America exclaimed. His Plan hadn't included Prussia, but that seemed to make things easier. Having three people in on it, and especially Germany's brother would totally help! But, like, why was he even here? Prussia was never part of the meetings, and he should know, given his boss made him fill out like ALL the invites this time around.

Upon asking this, Prussia held up a cup of coffee and shrugged. "Well, I sort of locked myself out of the house a few nights ago and I was waiting for West to get out of the meeting to ask him to give me them so I could get in, and then I saw this place had free Wi-Fi, so I just came here to wait and sort of didn't notice it was over until you came in here because I have literally not slept."

"Was flying all the way to the United States and waiting in a coffee shop for several days truly easier than picking the lock or climbing in a window or calling a locksmith?", Japan questioned flatly.

An awkward moment passed before Prussia shrugged. "Also I was bored and this sounded more fun than waiting at home for West to get done," he added.

That seemed reasonable enough to America. "That's the spirit, just the kind of thing we need on Team Hamburger Pizza!", he loudly declared. He liked declaring things, it reminded him of all that wicked cool independence business back in 1776. "Here, let's go over The Plan," he declared once more.

Right that very moment in a pub a few miles away, England coughed up blood into his hand. "Ah, pardon me," he told Romania, who was waiting with him until Norway got back from whatever nonsense he had gotten dragged into by Sweden. "I thought I sensed thoughts of colonial independence. Probably just America again…" he muttered.

Yes, it had been America, who had just swiped Japan's laptop (much to his quiet dismay) and had begun typing out his plan in the box in which he had been composing an a post to the message board. After a moment and Prussia taking several noisy sips of his eighteenth mocha of the day, it looked something like this:

_Yes, while I agree PalletShipping provides a good way at looking at the original series, in terms of the current series I still vastly prefer AmoreShi_

_1- GET JAPAN (AND PRUSSIA) ON BOARD (DONE)_

_2- TRICK GERMANY AND ITALY INTO GOING TO SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME SO WE CAN GIVE THEM FOOD (SEE PHASE 3)_

_3- GET ONE CONTINUOUS AND REALLY LONG SPAGHETTI NOODLE SO WE CAN MAKE THEM REENACT THAT ONE SCENE FROM THAT TOTALLY AWESOME DISNEY MOVIE WITH THE DOGS_

_4- WATCH AS PHASE 3 TOTALLY WORKS_

_5- GET ROMANO TO MARRY ME SO I CAN BE RELATED TO THEM TECHNICALLY SO THEY HAVE TO GIVE ME FOOD_

_6- HAMBURGER PIZZA!_

After admiring his work, America shoved the list in the faces of his partners-in-crime. After a second, Japan said "Well, it seems to be a rather interesting plan of action, but I do have a few small points."

"Like, how are you gonna get Romano to marry you?", Prussia questioned. "Seriously, have you met the guy? You'd have an easier time getting a lamp post to marry you."

America gave a haughty laugh. "Well then, good thing I had a thing going with him!", he countered. When his partners looked at him confusedly, he explained "Like, I had an immigration agreement thing with Sicily in the late 1800s, so we're like, practically best buds already."

Neither of them had ever heard of America and Romano being friends before, and both separately and silently decided that they should probably talk him out of Phase 5 before his delusions got him killed.

"Yes, that sounds all very well and um," Japan looked at his wrist to realize he was actually not wearing a watch. "According to my… wrist, I really should get going to catch my hotel- er, flight."

"Okay, man, we'll get the little stuff ironed out later," America said, not realizing that Japan was very blatantly lying.

Quickly, Japan slammed his laptop shut, not realizing he hit the enter key and sent the text post America had taken over as he did so.

Right that very moment, in a very overcrowded and loud restaurant, Hungary was going between watching Finland adorably defending his precious Sweden as he and Denmark argued with Thailand and China over… something (she wasn't so sure what it was about, but if way Austria kept facepalming every five seconds was to be the judge, it was probably something stupid) and refreshing her phone every so often. She'd been arguing with a user on a Pokemon forum named xXxSakuraXxXMomijixXx about shipping, and after her very lengthy post defending her OTP, she eagerly awaited their rebuttal.

However, instead of a rebuttal, she got a sentence that looked like it was about to go into one before being cut off by a weird capslock-y list that looked like it was some sort of plan to get… Italy and Germany together? Was she just misreading it or-?

She looked over it again. No, that's what it was, and it even mentioned trying and apparently succeeding at getting Prussia and Japan on board, along with… marrying Romano? Who on Earth had she been arguing with, Spain?

"Hey, Spain?", she shouted over the ruckus. He turned to look at her. "Do you use the name xXxSakuraXxXMomijixXx on any forums?"

"?on ,oS .snaem neve taht fo yna tahw aedi on evah I", he said, and Hungary quickly remembered he'd been cursed to talk backwards earlier by England.

Glancing at the post again, she noticed that it mentioned "HAMBURGER PIZZA", which sounded an awful lot like the argument America had been having with Germany earlier. "Never mind!", she called back at Spain. "It was America. Leaving me out of plans to fix Germany and Italy up."

She turned back to watch the nebulous argument, mentally plotting to find a way to get involved with this adorable-sounding plan once she got home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes, because I talk about weird things sometimes:
> 
> -Turtle Bay is where the UN Headquarters in New York City are.
> 
> -The username xXxSakuraXxXMomijixXx is a reference to one of Japan's character songs, where one of his lines is basically that without the x's. It basically just means cherry blossoms and maple leaves. Also, Pokemon shipping arguments are scary.
> 
> -I really don't know what Thailand, China, and the Nordics were arguing about, but if I had to guess, I'd say that one of them claimed some Thai dish was Chinese and both of them are trying to pound some sense into whoever said that and the other Nordics are for the most part being supportive of their own, even if they're wrong. Or maybe they just insulted IKEA, I don't know.
> 
> -I could have sworn there was something in my History textbook about Sicily having some sort of Immigration agreement with the US in the late 1800s, but I couldn't find it anywhere online, so I might have just made that up. Regardless, America's standing by it, even if he's lying to himself for convenience's sake. And in for a world of Tsundere Tomato Hurt.
> 
> Also, like, ASDFGHJKL;-; you guys are the best. Only the first chapter and this story's already doing amazingly well. Thank you all so much~!


	3. If I share my opinion it will only worsen things!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Hamburger Pizza attempts to trap Italy and deal with America's obliviousness.

_Heroic America's Legendary Quest for the Perfect Food!_

_Chapter Three- If I share my opinion it will only worsen things!_

A few days later, America had readied Phase Three. And by that, he meant he'd obtained a singular, absurdly long spaghetti noodle. Even a hero like himself had to struggle to find such a thing, but he was sure it would in time be well worth the effort.

The members of Team Hamburger Pizza (which was a name only Japan refused to acknowledge) had gathered in another internet cafe to enact Phase Two. It wasn't that different from the one they'd met in last, except it was in Austria (Prussia suggested this, saying it'd be a good strategic location, but really just thought involving his dear old "friend" would piss him off) and also had more than two people in it. Who were all giving the two shouting guys and the really quiet one weird looks as they plotted how to turn one very long noodle into a set-up.

"So, I say we should just get some sauce and meatballs and set it out somewhere and just say there's pasta there really loudly," America suggested. "I mean, Italy just shows up whenever someone mentions pasta, right?"

Japan shook his head. "I think you may be confusing Italy for Russia. You do not exactly summon-"

"You called?" questioned a voice behind a nearby potted plant. Slowly, Russia rose from it, a dark aura emanating as he did so.

Prussia proceeded to shriek very loudly and girlishly. "No! No we did not!", he shrilly insisted, everyone else in the cafe giving him odd looks.

"Oh, okay then," Russia said, sinking back into the potted plant. Shivers ran through the other countries for a solid minute before they continued.

"So like, how do we get Germany and Italy in the same place to eat the spaghetti?", America questioned, casting several uneasy glances towards the potted plant in case Russia was still there.

He said this like it was a very difficult thing to do, to get the two to be in the same location. America's special talent was making big problems out of tiny ones, so this wasn't unexpected. Or at least it was more expected than Prussia pulling out a very long piece of yellowed parchment out of his bag and flaunting it as the solution. "Well, it just so happens that I made a list of ways to get West off my tail a while back!", he exclaimed.

"How long ago was 'a while back'?", Japan questioned in a flat tone as Prussia rolled up the paper until he arrived at a section made of what seemed to be copy paper that was taped on.

Shrugging, Prussia muttered that he'd been "working on it for a few centuries" before pointing at a bit that was definitely written in bright green gel pen. "Here, this one might work."

It read "terrorize the cute Italian with a stick until West shows up and saves him and then leave food and/or wine to distract cute Italian so West will end up staying with him while I leave and go do things". One of their group thought this was a wonderful idea. The other one thought it was incredibly stupid. Just guess which was which.

However, before either could voice their opinion, Prussia noticed an orange checkmark next to the idea. "Eh, actually, think I did that one already," he muttered. "Here, there are more."

As he unrolled a bit more of the list, America chuckled at the length. "Wow, that thing's longer than my list of everyone who's mad at me right now!", he remarked.

"Let me guess, most of that list is just England and Russia?"

"Well, them and Norway."

Japan tried to figure out why Norway of all people would be upset at America, eventually arriving at "Was it about all of your tourists flooding his place after that Disney movie?"

"Actually, he's let that one go," America stated, snickering at his own terrible pun as Japan made a note to tell America to add him to that list. "He's mad at me now about what happened at that Christmas party last year."

Most nations, the still searching Prussia included, knew immediately what it was he spoke of. Japan, on the other hand, had not been at this Christmas party, as going would have broken his impressive three-thousand-and-thirty-four party long streak of not going to any parties ever. Even his own. So, he felt a bit stupid for having to ask what this meant.

Oddly, America seemed almost… embarrassed by this? How was that possible? Did America even get embarrassed over anything? "Oh, um, I might have sort of gotten under the mistletoe with, er, Iceland by accident."

"Like that was an accident," Prussia interjected, not looking up from his list.

"No, I was trying to get Lithuania, I swear!", America frantically assured them, not noticing that Russia had come back out of the potted plant and glared at him for a good thirty seconds before sinking back in. "He just sort of came over and we didn't notice each other but then we were both like 'hey it's the rule so we better do the thing' and then we made out and Norway chased me out with a broadsword and hasn't spoken to me since! And then he used fireworks later that night to insult me in Cantonese!"

That last thing had most certainly not been Norway's doing. Prussia, who had actually been there, could have easily told him that, but it was way funnier to let him keep being spectacularly wrong. Japan, who had not been there, also could have told him, but he was already starting to regret every decision he'd made in his entire life leading him to that very moment so he decided to keep his mouth shut and try not to make things worse.

Thankfully, Prussia chose that moment to finally find his other plan. "Here we go! This one's way better!", he declared, pointing at a purple-written passage.

It read "terrorize the cute Italian with a stick while wearing a mask until West shows up and saves him and then leave food and/or wine to distract cute Italian so West will end up staying with him while I leave and go do things".

America seemed not to notice that it was the exact same plan as before, as he exclaimed "Yeah, man, that's way better! Let's do that one!" Japan noticed, but he was still trying to keep his mouth shut as to not escalate things.

And so not too terribly long later, the three of them were in a random Austrian park setting up the trap. America had insisted upon being the one to terrorise Italy with a stick, as being the hero, he knew the most about proper villains. Prussia was fine with this, and set up the singular spaghetti noodle on a plate with meatballs and red sauce while Japan hid in the bushes and set up a camera. Despite him knowing that this was without doubt a stupid plan, he was determined to get video footage of it because darn it, if he wasn't going to milk this for all it was worth and post it on the internet, then his name wasn't Sunrise Land.

Wearing a mask and brandishing a stick, America searched the area for Italy, who they had called and told there would be free pasta a while ago. And, sure enough, a fast-moving blur soon appeared on the horizon, signaling Prussia to hide behind a tree.

"Alright, mister weird masked guy, where is the food?", Italy asked once he stumbled to a stop.

"Right there, man!", America replied, and as Italy thanked him, he realized that wasn't what he was supposed to do. "Uh, I mean, um, rawr!"

He then proceeded to poke Italy a few times with the stick he was holding, who cried out and quickly ran to hide behind a tree. Actually, the very same one Prussia had hid behind. "Prussia!", exclaimed the cute Italian. "Your brother isn't here, so you get to save me!"

Stuttering out a few unconnected syllables as Italy pushed him forward and towards the masked America, he looked back at the cowering cinnamon roll and declared "The awesome me is not involved with any of this in any way whatsoever! Just get my less awesome brother to punch him in the face!"

"Oh, but he told me he was in a meeting so he'd have his phone and Italy-Danger-Detecting-Sonar off," Italy protested. "Can't you punch him? Please?"

It seemed to take all of his willpower, but Prussia mustered a faint "No."

Italy then proceeded to frown, walk out from behind Prussia, and punch America in the face himself before running over to the plate of pasta. "Hey, this isn't right!", he protested. "Only America puts the meatballs in it like that!"

"Mister weird masked guy, if you're gonna call me all the way out here, you should really make the pasta right," Italy stated, and then ran off in the same direction he'd come from.

Despite desperately wanting to say "you should have listened to him back two chapters ago," Japan kept his mouth shut. In part to keep the fourth wall intact, but mostly because he feared what he might have to hear if he opened it again.

America, however, simply took the mask off to reveal the black eye Italy had left him with, dropped the stick, and plucked the meatballs out of the pasta. "Well, I guess if that failed miserably, I can at least add some more tomatoes and use this for Phase Five."

He then walked off in the same direction Italy had gone as his partners realized what Phase Five was and collectively decided it would be a lot more entertaining if they didn't stop him from getting another black eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took way too long. Oh well! I just had the worst writer's block on Chapter Three and then got sidetracked with my main project and never got back around to this until just now. But I'll probably be updating this every so often from now off. Maybe not super frequently, but hopefully more frequently than once every several months. Also, I am sincerely sorry for the Frozen joke. But that's about all I'm gonna apologize for. So, thank you for reading~!
> 
> PS, I realize the outline I wrote for this initially is kind of terrible? So, if anyone has any ideas for the path this story should take, kindly share them with me~


End file.
